The last time I visited a local bookstore, I noticed how there were a flood of “How to Save Your Marriage” manuals. It made me wonder, “What if I want to destroy my marriage?” To my dismay I couldn’t find any publications on the topic. Even as I rummaged through the dusty shelves of abandoned self-help aisles, I could only find one or two books about “why marriages fail” rather than “how to make a marriage fail”. Due to this unfortunate reality, I took it upon myself to assemble a few sure-fire methods to destroy any relationship. I must admit, the feedback has been overwhelming. For the past 3 months I ran a test trial with quite a few of my subscribers (……I have 15). Needless to say……. the results have been remarkable. Here are a few of the responses I got back.
“Ever since I took wittythewu’s advice my marriage has spiraled out of control”
“I’ve been an alcoholic addicted to twinkies ever since my wife left me. What the hell was I thinking following wittythewu’s advice!!!”
“My wife and her family hates me. Straight up HATES ME!! She left me last night and took the kids. I’m all alone now!! I HATE YOU WITTYTHEWU!!!”
Without further a due, here are 10 philosophically proven ways to turn your picture perfect relationship into a hell fire oblivion.
10 Ways to Piss Off Your Spouse
1. Whenever your wife or husband makes dinner, comment on how your ex-girl/boyfriend in college made the same dish but better.
2. Wait at least 5 hours to answer any of their texts or phone calls. Even then, make sure you respond with just a few words or an ellipses…
3. Come home late without any explanation. If they accuse you of doing anything shady, just say “whatever happened to the word PRIVACY?!!!!”
4. Come home with the smell of another man or woman’s fragrance. Nothing says “I don’t love you” like the sensual scent of a stranger.
5. Plan out a lavish anniversary trip and cancel the day of to go fishing with your buddies.
6. Stop by their workplace to drop off lunch for one of their co-workers.
7. Text them “I love you” but shortly follow with “oops wrong person.”
8. Buy him or her a puppy and then return the dog the following week.
9. Sprinkle novels and magazine articles about failing relationships around the house.
10. Get them a golden locket containing a picture of you and your ex in it.
Well there you have it (soon to be single) ladies and gentlemen. If you follow any one of these steps you’ll be sure to get a divorce in no time! Before you do, make sure you secure the lions share in the lickety split.
Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? ) go ahead and leave me a comment . Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.