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Local Teacher Wins Presidential Medal of Freedom for Successfully Eliminating Hope from Bay Area High School

An East Bay English Teacher has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom-the nation’s highest civilian honor-for his efforts to eradicate hope from a low-income Hayward high school, the White House announced Wednesday.

Matthew Amaral, an instructor at Mt. Eden High School, delivered an impassioned plea to Golden State Warriors Superstar Stephen Curry, imploring the newly-minted league MVP to avoid visiting the Hayward campus lest he inflate the idealistic expectations of students with minimal talent.

“I have students walking around campus believing that they can be anything they put their minds to.” Amaral stated. “Hope is everywhere and it just breaks my heart.”

Further research is necessary regarding hope-which the United States has officially classified as a mental illness since 2011. But the general consensus among psychologists is that signs of the disease typically manifest themselves around adolescence, and that with proper treatment the disorder can be prevented from developing further into adulthood.

“Only a truly sick, deranged individual would exhibit such signs of optimism and happiness in the modern climate we live in.” said Dr. Manesh Patel, a leading researcher at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “What this teacher is doing is admirable, we need more educators like him who are willing to make the effort to help their students. If every teacher does their part, perhaps we can be rid of this horrific disease.”

Amaral’s letter to Stephen Curry was not the first time he stood up for his students’ well-being, he has been boldly tearing down his students’ dreams for years now, and alumni from Mt. Eden High School have gone on to have truly hopeless lives after graduation.

Calvin Nguyen, a senior at Mt. Eden, initially had aspirations of playing in the NBA like his idol, DJ Mbenga. Amaral successfully convinced him to abandon his plans using rational points like Nguyen’s failure to make the junior varsity basketball team, his inability to shoot a free-throw without breaking down into tears, and his 5’6” stature.

“I wanted to play basketball” Nguyen said. “But now I want to live a miserable life as an accountant for KPMG. Mr. Amaral truly saved me.”

Nguyen’s hope has been in remission since 2013.

Laurie Brown, a junior at Mt. Eden, once dreamed of being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. However, once she was given information by Amaral about how unlikely it is for women to advance in private sector companies, she dropped these plans and now aspires to be a used-car saleswoman. Brown proudly states that she has been hopeless since last November.

Amaral’s letter has also elicited a heartfelt response from Curry himself. Upon reading Amaral’s exceptionally skilled prose, Curry announced Wednesday that he will never visit any high school campus again, he also stated that he is shutting down the Stephen Curry Foundation-a nonprofit entity that delivers basketball equipment to impoverished schools across the nation.

“I realize now that my actions were regrettable, and due to my poor judgement I have been complicit in the spread of this terrible disease among America’s youth.” Curry said remorsefully. “I have learned from my actions and now am looking forward to working to build a world that I would want to raise my daughter in. A world completely devoid of hope and full of woe.”

Curry also announced that he would be relinquishing the NBA’s Most Valuable Player Award to future hall-of-fame shooting guard Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers, stating that “He is the real MVP.” Bryant boldly was injured for most of this season, ensuring that the Lakers finished with their worst record in franchise history, and was a major reason why Laker fans are completely devoid of hope about the direction their franchise is heading.

In addition, the Mt. Eden-Curry connection has sent shockwaves throughout the NBA. New Orleans Pelicans General Manager Dell Demps announced today that the Pelicans are suspending their financial support for cancer research at Tulane University. Demps, who is aware that his name makes him sound like a character from King of the Hill, is himself an alumnus of Mt. Eden High and is extremely proud of the groundbreaking work being done at his alma mater.

“The odds of surviving terminal cancer are far less likely than even making the NBA.” Demps said. “Rather than infecting these patients with hope that they will be cured someday, we should be instilling values of education in them. So that they may learn more about the disease that will ultimately destroy their internal organs and give them an extremely painful death. I want everyone at Mt. Eden to know that that you are truly making a difference in this world.”

As the country inches ever slowly toward a hopeless existence, it is fortunate that at one local high school, accelerated progress is being made. To the rest of the world, a teacher may seem to be an insignificant cog in the grand scheme of things. But if you put the right teacher, with the right intentions, in the presence of students in need, things can be truly hopeless.

-Corey Hashida

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10 Ways Google is Like Your Overbearing Spouse

Google GirlEven though you’re not willing to admit it, we all know you met her online. You were excited about meeting a gal who could introduce you to things you never thought possible. None of your exes could ever compare intellectually. While things were great at first, she became increasingly ambitious. She was no longer a simple tour guide navigating you through the informational wasteland. Her talents spread to cartography, professional driving, and social networking. Before you knew it, she became relevant to every facet of your life. Even though you’re still with her to this day, you can’t help but feel overwhelmed by her smothering presence. Here’s a list of how Google is like your overly educated psychotic girlfriend.

1. She ALWAYS finishes your sentences half through your thought.

2. Whenever you make a typo, she corrects you….EVERY SINGLE TIME.

3. It doesn’t matter where you go, she knows exactly where you are at any given moment of the day.

4. Consider yourself permanent shotgun. She’ll never let you drive around by yourself because she doesn’t trust you.

5. She knows you better than you know yourself because she saves and analyzes all of your searches.

6. She keeps tabs on your calendar and knows every single thing you do on a day to day basis.

7. Think you’re educated? Please…she’s the most well read person you’ve ever met. She’s always up-to-date on the news and she can quote from any book you name. 

8. Don’t try to hide any of your contacts. She knows your entire professional and social network. 

9. As much as you hate being under 24/7 surveillance, you appreciate that you’ll never get lost since she’s a seasoned traveler.  Name any country, city, or street and she’ll give you turn by turn directions to get there.

10. She’s  a natural polygot fluent in any language you can possibly imagine….including fictional dialects.

Last but not least, she makes you feel unoriginal. Anytime you come up with a brilliant idea, she’ll cite a gajillion sources to demonstrate how stale and conventional your idea is. Despite all of this, you still love her because she makes your life exponentially easier. Before you met her, you were a lost soul watching stupid videos of cats. Now that she’s in your life… you still watch stupid videos of cats…but on the side of youtube’s suggested videos, you can also watch stupid videos of dogs.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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Political Science 143 or P.S. I Love You: Academia and the Politics of Love

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PS 145E: Constitutional Law, PS 121A: U.S. Foreign Policy, PS 157: Government and Politics in the Middle East….and PS 143: The Politics of Love.

I’ve spent the better part of last quarter dreading the stress of Political Science papers, exams, and most importantly…….love. Yes. You read that right. L…O…V…E (no this is not an Ashley Simpson song….get over it). Love much like college exams, tests what you don’t know. As much as you try to prepare by consulting “experts” and reading over priced textbooks, you’re never quite ready to confront the unexpected question when it comes. In some cases it will be “Will you marry me?”. In others, it can be “Explain how secularism and political sectarianism shape foreign policy in the Middle East today”? Both are questions we’re never prepared to answer on the spot. Most of the time, you’ll draw on sweeping generalizations formed out of obscure readings you read from a questionable author on wikipedia.

Love, like politics, should be resolved with diplomacy rather than military means. The latter can leave both sides jaded about humanity. If you pull a Julius Caesar, you might end up being stabbed 33 times. Except instead of middle aged Romans, you’ll be attacked by in-laws, over protective relatives, and potential suitors trying to swoon your Cleopatra (By the way, if you’re one of those angry history buffs pissed about my inaccurate references, you can double check on google son!). Setting aside the Roman references, you should always be open to hearing what your partner has to say. Never assert yourself as the Supreme Kim Jong of the House. That will only turn out Ill for you and him/her. Foster communication. Don’t filibuster your way in every argument because you’ll end up looking like a talkative douche. Also, don’t change your position every which way the wind blows just to please the other person. I’m not saying you should be as blunt as dissing your spouse 47% of the time, but you should be direct when you need to be. Have a position and stick to your principles. That being said, don’t be such a sour puss insisting on your Tea Party when we all just want to drink some coffee and talk about how Obama kicked booty in the last election……………..oh, and don’t be too biased.

To sum up this incoherent mess, you can’t force your love upon others, it has to be reciprocated. If you’re looking to earn good Marx on the relationship report card, don’t be Stalin to text back, be as prompt as you can be. Your significant other will appreciate you more and who knows, maybe you’ll get more Putin for some Scootin on the weekends. 😉 (On a side note, I have not fricken idea what I just typed in that sentence).

P.S. if you looked up the Roman references, shame on you for calling me on my bluff. A good relationship is supposed to be based on trust. Even if the other person isn’t being completely honest with you, let them have a bit of their privacy. As long as they’re not housing plans to wage nuclear war, they should be entitled some space for themselves. Legislating for complete transparency with shady surveillance no es bueno.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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Study Abroad(e): A South Campus Guide to the Humanities

 UCLA Broad

As a disclaimer, I myself am a North Campus major and this article was written purely as a comedic piece. No points that I bring up here should be taken seriously. Nothing on this BLOG should be taken seriously. All of this was inspired by my south campus friends poking fun at me. If you get offended, please don’t because it’s all in good spirit. With that being said, enjoy. 😀

Tired of taking CS and LS in MS? Sick of competing against type-A pre-med students hell bent on making it to med-school?If you are, consider taking  a quarter off to study a broad(e). Here at North Campus, you’ll find everything to your heart’s delight. From 3 hour class days to 4 day weekends, you’ll have so much spare time you won’t know what to do with it. Perhaps you’ll finally go on a date. Our fellow northies are more than willing to take a  spontaneous trip to Santa Monica. Worried about what your parents and condescending classmates will think of you?Tell them you’re sampling a few classes in the humanities because you’re considering law school. Nothing screams prestige like an open minded learner considering corporate law. For those of you uncomfortable with straying too far from your roots, we offer Econ and Management classes to keep your empirical noggin at work. Sure most of our classes are abstract and impractical, but you’ll be up-to-date for your ball-room socials with knowledge of Rousseau, Montesquieu, and Hume. Ever felt limited in conversations? With the amounts of reading you do,  you’ll  acquire a hefty stockpile of pretentious material to draw from. If you’re still skeptical, why not pick up a foreign language? Surely learning a second tongue can be practical for any career. Spanish and Mandarin are becoming increasingly useful you know.

Welcome to the land where there are no definitively right or wrong answers, failing grades, or wounded egos. Teachers acknowledge that we all come from different backgrounds with varying abilities. Not everything is as cuthroat as the classes you’re accustomed to. Neuroscience? Pshsh why not Philosophy of the Mind? Life Science? Pshsh why not Political Science. They both have science in their titles so they’re equally legit…….right? For all practical sakes, us Northies need Southies like you to take over our vacated classrooms when we travel to other countries. While we go abroad, you guys and gals can travel a broad(e). Here are reviews of southerners who have traveled up north.

“For the past 2 years I’ve been held prisoner to the labyrinth of Boelter and MS. Studying in North Campus has been a life changing experienced.”

-James R, 3rd Year Comp-Sci Engineering

“Before studying abroad(e) I had never seen a naked girl. After studying abroad(e) I still haven’t seen a naked girl. Does sculpture garden count? If so, yes I have seen a naked girl.”

-Randy J, 4th year Electrical Engineering

“我愛北校區。類是那麼容易!”

-Random Foreign Student, 3rd Year Physics Major

You’re accustomed to taking hardcore Physics and Chemistry classes. At North Campus you’ll be able to whisp on by enrolling in Art History, Classics, and Ethnic Studies. In discussion, the key to a good grade is to raise your hand and spew out something coherent. Remember, there are no “right” or “wrong” answers. Furthermore the concept of a “curve” is nonexistent here…except for the curves and our girls……..*ba dum tss*..um…sorry about that…moving along. Your shiny A ultimately breaks down to one or two term papers, a test consisting of a few IDs/short answers, and miscellaneous  participation. Remember that you’ll have plenty of money later to buy that Rolls Royce. For now, just roll on by Royce for a class or two.

P.S.

I know Broad Hall is spelled without an E……….D-Bag.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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How to Piss Off Your Spouse

How to Piss Off Your Spourse

The last time I visited a local bookstore, I noticed how there were a flood of “How to Save Your Marriage” manuals. It made me wonder, “What if I want to destroy my marriage?” To my dismay I couldn’t find any publications on the topic. Even as I rummaged through the dusty shelves of abandoned self-help aisles, I could only find one or two books about “why marriages fail” rather than “how to make a marriage fail”. Due to this unfortunate reality, I took it upon myself to assemble a few sure-fire methods to destroy any relationship. I must admit, the feedback has been overwhelming. For the past 3 months I ran a test trial with quite a few of my subscribers (……I have 15). Needless to say……. the results have been remarkable. Here are a few of the responses I got back.

“Ever since I took wittythewu’s advice my marriage has spiraled out of control”

-Christina K.

“I’ve been an alcoholic addicted to twinkies ever since my wife left me. What the hell was I thinking following wittythewu’s advice!!!”

-Bobby G.

“My wife and her family hates me. Straight up HATES ME!! She left me last night and took the kids. I’m all alone now!! I HATE YOU WITTYTHEWU!!!”

Jack D.

Without further a due, here are 10 philosophically proven ways to turn your picture perfect relationship into a hell fire oblivion.

10 Ways to Piss Off Your Spouse

1. Whenever your wife or husband makes dinner, comment on how your ex-girl/boyfriend in college made the same dish but better.

2. Wait at least 5 hours to answer any of their texts or phone calls. Even then, make sure you respond with just a few words or an ellipses…

3. Come home late without any explanation. If they accuse you of doing anything shady, just say “whatever happened to the word PRIVACY?!!!!”

4. Come home with the smell of another man or woman’s fragrance. Nothing says “I don’t love you” like the sensual scent of a stranger.

5. Plan out a lavish anniversary trip and cancel the day of to go fishing with your buddies.

6. Stop by their workplace to drop off lunch for one of their co-workers.

7. Text them “I love you” but shortly follow with “oops wrong person.”

8. Buy him or her a puppy and then return the dog the following week.

9. Sprinkle novels and magazine articles about failing relationships around the house.

10. Get them a golden locket containing a picture of you and your ex in it.

Well there you have it (soon to be single) ladies and gentlemen. If you follow any one of these steps you’ll be sure to get a divorce in no time! Before you do, make sure you secure the lions share in the lickety split.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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A Passive Imperialist

Passive Imperialist

My name is M’urica junior and I would like to seize your land……….if that’s ok with you? No? Um, but what if I threaten to use my superior weapons? Will you move then? Still no? Please don’t make me take it by force because I will and I do not want to feel bad for removing  your people off this land. If we can all just agree to work together this process will be a lot smoother. Please!!!! I won’t hesitate to call in my reinforcements…..ok I am hesitant but that doesn’t mean I won’t do it. Seriously! You’re really irritiating me now native. 😦

I’m frustrated as it is. Can’t you make my job a little easier? Don’t you care about your family and livestock? I have about 200 soldiers on horses ready to set fire to your village……jeez you’re stubborn.If that’s how it’s going to be than so be it. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so. I’m serious. I will. No really I will!! 😦 Ok ok ok maybe I won’t set fire to your WHOLE village but I will kill one of your cows without compensation. Or  at least without just compensation. Like if your cow is only worth 5 bushels of corn I’ll give you 3 Bushels……..and a chicken. Haha yea, not so funny now is it? Being ripped off 2 bushels for your cattle. You must be quaking in your  moccasins right now. I won’t stop there!!! Your neighbors have children don’t they? I’d hate for anything bad to happen to them….like say if they were to go to the fields to pick corn only to find that all the corn has already been picked and transported to the village. Where will they learn the value of a hard day’s work?! So ha! You don’t want the guilt of having spoiled children on your conscience now do you? Exactly my point. If you’ll excuse me I’ll be taking that jade vase from…..hey!! Let it go!! I’m serious buster. If you don’t I’ll pull out my musket. That’s it you asked for it. *Loads musket*. I’m not afraid to shoot it in the air to  wake up your parents. If they come out here demanding and explanation I won’t hesitate to pin the blame on you. Do you really want to be the one responsible for waking up your village because you didn’t hand over your precious jade? Mmmm, looks like you won’t budge. That’s fine. You’re probably in shock from my intimidation tactics. I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you sleep on it. Once you realize the gravity of your actions I’ll return tomorrow when you act a little more rationally. Until then.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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Garden State and the Art of Indie

gardenstateA few years ago I watched a (pseudo)indie film that introduced me to the concept of a “hipster”.That film was not Rushmore. It was Garden State. In retrospect, that was completely anti-climatic given the image. Anyway I was drawn in by the allure of an unorthodox movie with an awkward but lovable main character. What kept me entertained more than anything was the mellow soundtrack. It was a warm blend of Seattle’s Best Coffee and Starbucks on a rainy Sunday afternoon discussing modern art. Everything about the album screamed “I have amazing taste in music.” Each track had a distinct flare. Every artist on the album came from some obscure background that would normally be uncovered as a shining gem on a Pandora station set to Gemini Splash Circa 2001 (who are they you ask? Exactly my point). When I stumbled across the album at a hole in the wall music store down Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley, I knew I had to purchase the album. However, I realized each song needed to be properly appreciated so instead of buying the whole album I bought each track individually on I-Tunes. Whenever I rode somewhere in a friend’s car I volunteered to DJ. I needed to capitalize on every opportunity to show off my sophisticated taste in music. Throughout the ride I’d hit them with Lebanese Blonde from Thievery Corporation, In the Waiting Line by Zero 7, and New Slang by the Shins. When I got them with the “OOOoooooo New Slang when you notice the stripes…” I got a “dayumm,  Wu got good taste in music.” I felt so proud of my fine taste in music. Everywhere I went I had an indie band to reference during conversations.

Cliched Scenario

Friend#1: Hey Ben, what music do you listen to?

Me :Oh you know, I like a little bit of mainstream but the jingles that tickle my fansy are Remy Zero, Frou Frou, and the Shins.

Friend #1: Wow, I’ve actually never heard of any of them.

Me: Yea they’re pretty underground but you should give them a shot, I’m sure you’ll love them. They’re all soooooo underrated. Actually let me play you a sample on my phone. “OOOoooooo New Slang when you notice the stripes…”

Friend: Holy sashimi panini!!! They’re awesome! You have fantastic taste in music my friend. Can you send me a playlist?

Me: Sure, I know plenty of other songs that sound just as good (referring to the entire Garden State Album).

In due time I became a hit amongst the “in crowd.” I got invited to book talks at coffee shops, poetry slams (ye know the ones where people snap their fingers), and other hipstery activities hipster people hip out at. While I rode the wave of ambiguity to popularity it was only a matter of time before my musical taste became bland and unoriginal. A few months of pulling off the same BS routine playing hipster DJ led me to a brick wall. I was driving with my cousin on our way back from a zucchini festival and I decided to play Let Go by Frou Frou hoping to fish out cheap compliments. Little did I know,my cousin being the hipster English major with a double minor in Art History and Film recognized the song immediately.  I had met my match. I was no longer the cool Chinese boy with cool taste in music.Before I knew it references to Zero 7, Frou Frou, and the Shins had appeared everywhere. New Slang even became a track on Rockband 2. My hipster uniqueness took a flush down the toilet into a mainstream of Mumford, Fun, and Lumineers.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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The Overly Attached Applicant

Job Applicant

Dear Mr. Boss Man,

I sent in my resume again this morning. It must have been lost in paperwork the first time around. Don’t worry about it though, I e-mailed it to Human Resources and your secretary Debbie as a back up just in case anything happens again. Did you get the candy gram I sent you? It highlights your sense of humor I think. Remember that one time we met at the career fair and you made a joke about my polka dot tie? I was sure to include a tid bit about that encounter in the letter I wrote you. Anyway I took the liberty of contacting Debbie about scheduling an interview next week. She said you were booked but I told her I’d be ok fitting in a late rendezvous after hours. By the way you must have bad reception because half way through our last conversation our call dropped. Oddly when I called the next 7 times it went straight to voice mail. You might want to get your phone checked. Anyway I’d like to highlight a few  accomplishments I forgot to mention in my  10 page cover-letter. Last year I interned at Google  (well technically it was unauthorized shadowing) where I dealt with security, restraining orders, and lawsuits (I’m quite the amateur litigator).

From my experience with adamant secretaries and pestering security guards I’ve learned to never give up on my goal, even if it was landing an already filled position at a company.  I mention this because I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to get the job done…..or just plainly get the job. Just ask  my reference John Langley (VP of Marketing at Google) about my persistence. Despite calling security 3 times he was unable to shrug me off. He even tried to file a restraining order but it didn’t process. Eventually he let me shadow his intern’s assistant shadower. The best way to deal with a stubborn boss is to persevere. Some may call it harassment, I call it persistence. As the expression goes, “when one door closes……you better kick that damn door open.” To sum it all up, I possess every attribute you could possibly want in an applicant. If I don’t already, I can cultivate them and don’t tell me I can’t either. Oh and before I forget, is there a signing bonus?  Nevermind we’ll discuss that in the interview.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

Your next employee

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Boxers or Briefs? The Renaissance Man’s Guide to Underwear by Corey Hashida

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Ello Governors and Governorettes, (sorry for butchering your language Brits, you peeps speak English while us M’uricans speak English), it is once again my dirty pleasure to feature a post from my deer elk Senor Corey Hashida. Enjoy! 😀

Hello Everyone! My name is Corey Hashida.Yep Corey…..just kidding it’s still me, wittythewu. Just thought I’d impersonate him. Sorry if you’re reading this Corey, I’m sure I’ve forever lost your trust. But pho reals madrid this time, without further a Scooby Doo I present to wu, “Boxers or Briefs? The Renaissance Man’s Guide to Underwear.”

Hello! Now that Christmas is over and you all have gift cards burning holes in your pockets, (sorry to all my Jewish friends, but y’all had eight nights!) you might be facing the ever prevalent problem of what type of underwear to buy to keep your coco bits snug as a bug in a rug. And ladies, you might be trying to decide what type of underwear to get the man in your life so his kibbles and bits can be safe and warm during the rest of the holiday season. This is a very important decision that we all face from time to time, and the important thing is not to panic. Just keep a level head and your green eggs & spam will be in good banana hammocks. The kind of underwear a man selects to hold his fortune cookies is very indicative of his personality type, and I’ll be detailing them below so you can make an informed decision on which is best for you. Here are my two cents.

Now that I have finished showing you my two cents, (don’t laugh at their size, it’s cold this time of year!) it’s time to go over your undergarment options.

Boxers: These are perfect for the casual, laid back guy who needs to air out his grapes so they don’t raisin up. This guy don’t give two eggs about nothing! Might want to buy some potato chips for him too while you’re at it.

Briefs: Ladies, if you’ve got your eyes on an athlete, (by athlete I mean swimmer, not somebody who plays a real sport) then these are the perfect gift option to keep his gold medals secure around his Michael Phelps. But be informed, heavyset dudes with hairy chests also frequent the briefs section of the department store. The dichotomy that exists among men of this underwear category is astonishing.

Boxer-Briefs: This guy can’t decide what the knick knack kind of knickers he wants for his macadamia nuts! He wants the freedom of motion allowed by boxer shorts AND the secure feeling that comes with briefs! This is the type of guy who can’t decide between chocolate and vanilla frozen yogurt, so he always gets that weird swirl mix of both of them. He thinks he can have the best of both worlds, and is always looking for the easy way out.

Ladies’ Underwear: Yes that’s right I said it. We live in the 21st century now and if a man wants to hear the secret that Victoria has been keeping from the rest of us, he should be able to do so. Panties may be fun and exciting to wear, (or so I hear, *cough*) but remember to be practical about this. The fact is that women’s undergarments just aren’t designed to hold up a guy’s almond joys or his snickers bar, you’ll be a sad vending machine indeed.

Going Commando: This is for the adventurous guy who loves the Jeff Corwin Experience, (remember that show?) but be careful, you don’t want to pull a Crocodile Hunter if you catch my drift? Although I must admit, there is definitely something liberating about the feeling of having your coconuts chafed by denim at all hours of the day.

Now that I’ve turned the heater on it seems my two cents have really grown! Happy shopping!

 

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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Touch Down in the Friendzone

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I’ve been there. You’ve been there. We’ve all been there. It’s the first time you’re out on the field and you’re a nervous wreck. Despite playing with an experienced staff and a full proof playbook, the only scoring you seem to do is in the friend zone. Most of the points you get are usually field goals. But let’s be honest, even then you’re only “kicking it.” Aren’t you tired of meeting all these girls only to have your friends intercept the ball or pick up the slack when you fumble with words? Nothing hurts worse than a premature turn-over. Follow a few of the following timeless bits of wisdom and you’ll be rushing for an all time lead to her heart.

  1. If you’re too aggressive early in the relationship, she might penalize you with a false-start. Wait for the snap before she snaps.
  2. Don’t let her read you like a book. Call an audible every now and then to be unpredictable and interesting. Spontaneity is key.
  3. Set aside the cocky attitude and know when to punt the ball. As tempting as it is to go for the play when it’s 4th and 3, don’t do it it: you’ll fall short.
  4. Call a huddle every now and then to consult with your wingmen. Playing a good game is a team effort.
  5. Last but not least remember it’s 10% physical (attraction) and 90% mental.

If you follow these steps and let your intuition guide you, you’ll seal the deal and get the win. You’re just a player trying to win the game.

Thank you kind madam/sir for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed this bit please follow/like/or share. If you’re feeling bold (hehehe get it? :D ) go ahead and leave me a comment ;). Last but not least if you didn’t enjoy the post please refer back to my about section to learn how things operate around here….Prick.

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